Bad Burritos
by darkangel38
Summary: House and Wilson magically swap bodies after having some bad burritos. Just a small humor fic I'll write to ease writer's block on my other story.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **If I owned House, Wilson + everyone else, I would be hanging out with them and not sitting here in my living room waiting for House 'The TV show' to come on.

**A/N:** I know this story is going to be lame, but it's just a little thing I wanted to write in between chapters of my story "Hex", for some comic relief. I know burritos would not make this happen, but just take it for what it is, a cute House/Wilson switching bodies humor fic :)

**Bad Burritos**

House almost had his nose pressed up against the microwave window. The two burritos inside went round and round, and the small digital clock on the right side said that there was only 20 seconds until pure beefy bliss.

"Oh burrito.. In 12 heavenly seconds you will be mine.. and I will eat you.. and we will run away together-"

"You know one of those in there is mine right?" Wilson looked up from the newspaper he was reading for a second to catch House confessing his love to the burrito.

House turned his head towards Wilson, looking horrified.

"You are claiming one of MY burritos? Dr. Wilson!" House scolded and turned back to watch the countdown.

"I paid for them!"

"That doesn't make them yours. We're friends and friends share." The microwave beeped and House immediately popped open the door.

"So I have to share with you, but you don't have to share with me? Oh that makes a lot of sense," Wilson smirked.

House pulled out the two packages and tossed a scalding burrito over to his friend sitting at the round table.

The burrito smacked Wilson on his neck and he gasped and dropped his paper.

"Well you didn't have to burn me," he reacted and went to pick up his lunch.

"Have I ever told you, how much I love you," House remarked as he pushed out the top of he burrito and took a big bite, beans oozing from the side.

Wilson raised his eyebrow.

"Are you feeling okay? Should I leave you and the burrito alone?"

"Mmph." House gave Wilson a funny face, his mouth stuffed with lunch.

Wilson took a bite of his and looked back down at the paper.

"Hey Wilson," House asked seriously.

"What." Wilson looked up again, expecting something either actually serious, or something incredibly moronic.

"Do you like seafood?"

Moronic.

"Shut up," he smirked in response and took another bite.

House was about to flash his tongue with half eaten burrito in all it's glory, when he sudden felt really dizzy.

"Wilson," he said again, and put the burrito down.

Wilson didn't look up; he felt it too.

"These are some bad burritos," House closed his eyes and tried to fight through the wave of dizziness.

"That's the last time I'm shopping at the Glutton Mart," Wilson tossed his burrito down on the table and rubbed his stomach a little bit.

"I'll be seeing you Wilson," House rolled his head back.

Wilson looked at him, still rubbing his stomach and making faces.

"Because I'm about to pass out in a few seconds."

-----

It had seemed like hours, but in reality it had been a minute, maybe two. House opened his eyes and found himself looking down at a tabletop. He felt absolutely fine and raised his head.

He sat in front of himself, all stretched out in a chair, head back, and sleeping.. or something.

"Gah!" he freaked and "himself" woke up in the chair.

Was it an alien? Was he dead? What the hell?

"He" opened his eyes, and looked at House, sitting at the table, newspaper in front of him.

"Whoa!" he exclaimed from the chair and moved up his legs, immediately gasping in pain from the startle.

"Oh great, I died," House leaned back in the chair, until he caught a glimpse of his hands and arms.

He was wearing a white pansy doctor coat. Or - angelic heaven clothes? No, a doctor coat.

Oh God. He was Wilson. And Wilson was him.

"Why am I.. over there.. when I'm.. right here," Wilson said slowly and then looked at his own clothes. Jeans. A cane nearby, green t-shirt.

He was House, and House was him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **If I owned House, Wilson + everyone else, I would be hanging out with them and not sitting in a pitch black living room with a laptop at 4:40am writing Chapter 2 to this fic.

**A/N:** Thanks for all the reviews, I love you guys! Just to clear up any confusion, when I refer to "House" that will be the real House talking from Wilson's body, and vice versa. This fic is so much fun for me to write; I smirk just trying to picture this as an episode lol

**Bad Burritos - Chapter 2**

"Oh God, don't tell me I'm you; I look like a dork!" House motioned towards his new dress pants, sweater vest and pocket protector.

"Hey, I am not a dork!" Wilson then motioned at his own new body. "What about you? Now I'll be the one getting the walking frankenstein comments from the nurses and having the little interns running away in fright."

House snickered at his next thought.

"Oh that's right, they'll be running to me. Tell me Jimmy, how many dates do I have lined up this week?" House grinned and crossed one leg over the other.

Wilson attempted to stand.

"I'll have you know -" He gasped in pain, grabbed his new injured thigh and fell back onto the chair.

House put his hands behind his head and smiled devilishly. Now Wilson could experience his pain first hand.

"Gee, um, are you in pain? Because there are things to handle the pain.. Programs - Cuddy would give you the time," A big grin now.

Wilson looked at him quizzically for a minute, staring at his own face like he was looking in a mirror.

"Okay now I can see why that pissed you off."

"There's some vicodin in the right pocket if you're so inclined to cater the 'addiction'," House stretched out his arms and then stood up for the first time - without the use of a support. "Hey, this is cool." He walked around a few steps.

Wilson glared at him from the chair and pulled out the bottle of pills.

"I still don't agree with this you know," he popped the lid and spilled a pill into his hand. "Gimmie some water, will you."

"Don't need any water, take it dry, be a man!" House started going through his pockets, looking for any 'secret Wilson things' he could find.

Wilson looked at how big the pill was and that placed it on his tongue, the opposite way of how House would have swallowed it.

House pulled a small piece of paper out of his pants pocket and unfolded it.

"Aha! Who is Wendy? I might have pondered that question years ago, but now it's all so clear... She's a nurse, the name just screams 'I want to be important but I'm too scared to be a doctor'. She grew up in a small town in Ohio-" House thought outloud, looking at the ceiling, trying to crack the phone number on the small piece of paper.

From the chair, Wilson choked on the pill not quite the expert at pill popping like House was.

"She's nothing, she's just a friend," he coughed out.

"Just a friend.. now how many times have I heard that,"

Wilson stood up fully this time and balanced on his left leg.

"Just like you and Cameron are friends, right?"

"Ha! No, just like _you_ and Cameron are 'friends'" House grinned as he saw Wilson's face fall.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go get a haircut." House whistled and skipped out the conference room. Wilson wanted to laugh at the sight of House skipping, except he was only looking at his own body and frankly, he looked ridiculous.

"Don't touch my hair!" Wilson called out.

------

House made his way down to the cafeteria, noticing that Wilson's body was still quite hungry. He stepped in line, with a great big smile on his face. He loved this whole walking thing again. He hadn't felt this good in five years. Wilson had a good deal here with these two working legs. He picked up a tray when the line began to move and surveyed over the food out in front of him.

Wilson would've probably picked something green and leafy. He was a _doctor_ after all he had to set an example. Oh but not today. House figured Wilson could use some man food. He rubbed his hands together sticking his tongue out of the corner of his mouth as he flicked his eyes over to the desserts. The nurse in front of him in line had turned and was now watching.

"What, I'm hungry," House justified and slid his bright orange tray along the rails as the line moved.

Cinnamon roll, check. Two jello cups, both red, check. Vanilla pudding cup, check. (House would have went for the devil's food chocolate kind with the swirls of butterscotch, but he guessed the hospital was out of the flavour. It was popular after all.) Three donuts - two glazed and one jelly filled, check. Can of coke with extra sugar, check. Lunch.

He quickly paid for his food, after dismissing several strange looks and took a spot in the lunchroom by the far window. He was about to start on a donut when he looked up and saw a lanky figure limping into the cafeteria, looking very awkward. He leaned back and watched his body try to handle a cane and walk up to the back of the line. Did _he_ look like that when he walked? He looked like he needed a wheelchair.

House took half of the first donut in one bite and watched Wilson walk with the cane in his left hand instead of the way House used to use it. He just had to be a damn doctor didn't he, using it the _right_ way.

Starting on the second donut, Wilson finally made it over to the table and slammed the tray down in front of House.

"What are you eating, a donut?" Wilson demanded and looked down at his own tray. He was going to be the 'nice' guy and feed House full of much needed nutrition. Maybe he would have to reconsider that idea after looking at what his own body was getting. He was getting diabetes, that's what he was getting.

"Yes and you can't have any," House put his arm around his tray and became protective over the last glazed donut sitting on the plate.

Wilson sighed and laid out the cane on the table in between the two trays.

"I hate this thing," he said exhaustedly and pointed at the chunk of wood.

"Oh don't be mean to poor caney here, he can't defend himself," House reached out his hand and stroked the smooth wood. **(A/N: Shut up, I know that sounds bad LOL)**

Wilson raised his eyebrow and sat down in the chair across from House and looked down his tray.

"So why do I have to eat crap if this is just killing me? Gimmie some of that," Wilson went to grab the cinnamon roll, but got his hand slapped and the roll fell on the table, bottom side up.

"Oh now look what you did, it's ruined. Here you can have it now," House picked it up, noticing all the cream cheese icing had stuck to the table and tossed it towards Wilson.

"You're disgusting. This is disgusting." Wilson shooed away the roll and it rolled back and sat in the middle of the table on it's side, a cream cheese icing trail around it.

"Dr. House - Wow, you're actually trying that three bean salad.. Even I wouldn't touch that."

House looked up from instinct at hearing his name and was about to answer, but remembered he had to pretend to be Wilson. Which shouldn't be very hard. Just smirk and stay silent. Chase was the one who had commented on the tray, Cameron right in tow behind him.

"Oh.. uh.. I'm trying a new lifestyle.." Wilson replied and his eyes went to the cinnamon roll mess on the table. Everyone else's eyes went to the mess too, but nobody commented.

House smirked on cue to the response and popped open his can of coke with a loud psssst. Eyes then immediately went to him, and he raised his eyebrows and grinned.

"Anyway, Cuddy sent me in here. She's pissed. Something about the patient's parents that came raging into her office about twenty minutes ago?"

Wilson's eyes went to House's, and House dodged eye contact and moved his gaze out the window as a smile creeped up at the corners of his mouth. Of course Wilson had no idea what Chase was talking about, House hadn't had the time to tell him of the little 'incident' that had occured earlier that day.

"Uhh yeah okay, thanks," Wilson forced out, not having a clue, and picked up his fork to jump into the salad that he didn't even really want.

Chase glanced at Cameron at his side and they exchanged a weird look. No comments? No insults?

House was trying not to laugh.

The two ducks walked off and Wilson put down his fork and stared at House trying to hide his laugh by wavering the coke can around his mouth.

"Okay, what the hell did you do."

House choked on the coke and almost dribbled down his chin.

"Cuddy sounds mad, you better rush up there right away. Remember to take the cane, you might need it in defense," House motioned towards the cane and smiled devilishly.

-----


	3. Chapter 3 Wilson

**Disclaimer**: If I owned House, Wilson + everyone else, I would be hanging out with them and not sitting here with a slurpee watching Daily Planet as I wait to go to work in 45 minutes.

**A/N:** Thanks for the reviews! I'm a sucker for reviews and 32 for 2 chapters is like winning the lottery, so thank YOU for reading :D This one might not be as funny, but as I write this fic, I started thinking of the real things each other would experience. First up, Wilson's Adventure.

**Bad Burritos - Chapter 2 (Wilson)**

Okay this was bad, this was very bad. He had to pretend to be House in front of _Cuddy_? Very bad indeed. House transformed into almost another being when he was around Cuddy. One wrong move and she would have him admited to the psych ward. The cane Wilson was just getting used to smacked into a wall and he almost tripped and went flying into a nurse pushing a patient in a wheelchair. He let out a 'yelp' but then regained his balance and the nurse hardly even gave him a glance.

Oh but of course he would love to just go falling House all over the place. Maybe burst his ego a little bit when he got his body back. _If_ he got his body back.

Wilson made it to the elevator in one piece and pressed the appropriate button. _That's right Jimmy, take it one step at a time. Act casual. What does House do when he waits for an elevator? Well he's usually running from Cuddy, so he'd be hiding behind a plant right now.. _

"Dr. House, I think you might like to see this," Cameron came running up and Wilson's chest tightened in a matter of seconds, _Not Cameron, noo._ He cleared his throat and tried to pick an insult off the conveyer belt that was racing by in his mind. They were all lame. He gave her a quick sideways glance and tried his best to ignore her. She was holding an envelope.

Cameron took that as an invitation to elaborate on what mysterious thing she had to say.

"Turns out he doesn't have that heart condition after all. Although his condition is still related to his last surgery - they left a sponge next to his heart!" Cameron thrust the envelope towards Wilson, and his first thought was: _Oh God, it better not have been our hospital._

"Not here, right?" He barked out frantically and immediately pulled back. House would never have been that scared. He swallowed.

Cameron hesitated for a second but answered, "No, Columbus."

"Well what are you waiting for, prep him for surgery." Well he had tried to sound sarcastic and mean, but it hadn't come out as dry as he had hoped. He was relieved when she nodded briefly, took the envelope back and walked away. Wilson let out a deep breath he had been holding in a big whoosh and stepped onto the elevator once the doors slid open. A man with an IV pole was standing there staring straight ahead.

"Nice day," Wilson remarked and then immediately felt uncomfortable as the doors slid shut.

------

_Nice boobs, Cuddy. No wait, House said funbags once didn't he? Funbags. Cleavage, spike heels, tampons, the way her face looked like a chipmunk when she was mad.. Was he forgetting anything? Vicodin, pop a vicodin. Open the container with the thumb, rest in palm, slam back.. _

Wilson rolled his eyes at all of this studying as he limped down the hallway towards Cuddy's office. Why was he even trying this hard to keep House in character, he knew for a fact that House was probably downstairs in the clinic tripping patients and playing bedpan bowling in the waiting room. He was just too goddamn nice.

_Aha, maybe that was the problem. Think like House, _be_ House. So what am I? I have a cane, one friend, no relationships, an addiction, and I'm probably depressed and definitely bitter. Come on Jimmy, just pretend you were talking to Julie. Let them roll off your tongue._

Wilson reached the door and opened it a crack, sticking his head inside.

"You rang?"

"Sit," Cuddy pointed towards the chair in front of her desk and scribbled something on a piece of paper. Wilson made his way in and sat down where she had ordered, not saying a word.

"What am I going to do with you.." she muttered under her breath and she set aside the papers she was working on. She looked up and him and crossed her arms.

_...funbags.. cleavage.. tampons.._

"You could pick me up for our date around seven," Wilson answered back but then kicked himself. Coming on to Cuddy had not been in the notes.

"House this is serious, you wouldn't let Mr. and Mrs. Bradley in their daughter's room. They're threatening to sue and pull a restraining order on you - again," Cuddy sighed. Wilson sighed too. He hadn't know about this before, but he knew that House was always up to all kinds of things. Problem was, he couldn't even defend House in any way because he didn't know what reasons he had for keeping the parents out of the room.

"I had my reasons," Wilson answered back trying to avoid the whole thing.

"Why, House, what possible reasons could you have. Their daughter is dying and you're denying them their child!" She paused after the exclaimation, then shook her head and grabbed some more papers. "I'm taking you off the case."

House would have outraged. Would have stood up, vein throbbing in his forehead, and started spitting down to Cuddy. Wilson wasn't exactly that type of guy. He stood up and started for the door instead.

"Fine, but don't blame me when she dies," he told her in the most hateful way he could manage. Of course Wilson had no idea why House had done what he had done, but he figured that statement was pretty safe and 'House like'. He was about to exit the office when Cuddy called out to him again. He turned.

"Why is your cane on the other side?"

Wilson looked down at the cane in his left hand. That was right, House walked with it in the right hand, but for him, the left hand felt more comfortable. Wilson's mind surfed for a good answer that would explain everything.

"Just trying something new today."

-----

It almost felt wrong to him lying to Cuddy like that; he didn't have anything against her personally, but he figured it was probably for the best. Greg House _needed_ the help with her. Maybe he could get House a few bonus points to work with before everything went back to normal.

Wilson stood outside Cuddy's office, going over the short 'cane' discussion in his head. He switched the cane to his right hand and attempted to walk a few steps, hoping nobody was watching him. He stopped again and switched it back to his left hand.

"House is crazy," he said to himself, really hoping nobody was around, and walked towards the elevators again.

-----

The elevator doors opened to the clinic. Wilson really didn't think House would be down here but sure enough, he spotted 'himself' leaning over the nurse's admitting counter, chatting up a blonde beauty - Cheryl. Yes he knew her name. House saw him coming out of the elevator and waved with a grin. Wilson rolled his eyes.

"Down in the clinic - Dr. Wilson - aren't you supposed to be working.. or something?" Wilson raised his eyebrow and asked House.

"Didn't think I'd run into you here.. But ohh darnit that's right, you have clinic duty in fifteen minutes," House stood up straight and fiddled around with a small piece of paper. Wilson's brow furrowed.

"So what's on that paper there?" he asked. House started walking away from the desk, flipping the paper around his fingers like he used to do with his cane. He knew it was Cheryl's phone number, just by the way he was flashing it around. Like Wilson couldn't get the number but House could. He was wrong of course, Cheryl and him had already done lunch.

"You're married, remember?" Wilson almost laughed at the thought of House having to live with Julie. That was right, now he got a nice holiday and a sweet bachelor bad.

House stopped in mid step and he stared.

"No way," he said in shock. He didn't like anyone, much less _Julie_.

"Way. Oh, and you better make it home earlier tonight. You did something to make her upset this morning and I don't think she's going to be too happy if you're late, and without flowers and candy," Wilson slapped House on the back and made his way off to go start House's clinic hours.

House stood there with his mouth open, paper now crumpled in his hand.

-----


	4. Chapter 4 House

**Disclaimer:** If I owned House, Wilson + everyone else, I would be hanging out with them and not sitting here on my bed with a laptop at 10:42am even though I haven't slept yet and I have to leave for work in 12 hours.

**A/N:** Wow thanks guys! I have a concern about this chapter. It's still not as funny as the first ones, but I felt I needed to include this in the story. Don't worry though, I still have plans for some hilarious stuff :)

**Daphne Queen:** Be patient my friend:)

**Bad Burritos - Chapter 4 (House)**

-----

House twirled around in Wilson's desk chair loving just how cushy it was. Maybe that's why Wilson had accepted the position on the board, he had gotten a little bribe.. He stopped twirling and faced the great 'wall of achievement' behind the desk. Dipolma this, certificate that. He got bored at reading the name Dr. James Wilson and faced the desk again, tapping his fingers on the desktop, looking around. His office was so dang _small_. He leaned back in the chair and rocked comfortably, and let his right hand roll open the top drawer hoping to find hoarded candy from the children's ward, a drawer full of booze and cigarettes, or any other skeletons Wilson could have stuffed in a closet.

Papers, pens, elastic bands, paper clips and a few highlighters was what he actually saw. So predictable. They were all arranged neatly in sections, nothing out of place. He slid the drawer closed and went to drawer number two. Half of the drawer was filled with upright files, boring. The second half caught his eye, an upside down picture frame. Curiously he picked it up and flipped it over.

Julie's smiling face stared up at him in front of some sort of nature backround. He narrowed his eyes a bit at the picture and then placed it back in the drawer upside-down as he had found it.

_Better have a nice little dinner prepared, your knight in shining armour is on his way._

-----

The two doctors stood in front of the cherry red Corvette.

"No way," House said before Wilson could utter a word and held out his hand for the keys.

"I didn't even say anything."

"I saw the way you were looking at her, and she's mine, so gimmie," House prompted for his keys again and Wilson scoffed loudly and begun digging in his jean and jacket pockets.

"And what exactly are you going to tell _your_ wife when you roll up the driveway in that?"

"That my good friend House lent me his wheels for a day or two, because all know how kind and generous he is," House said quickly like it was a known fact and gestured for his rightful keys even more.

Wilson snorted and pulled the magic ipod out of his inside jacket pocket, followed by a pair of keys. House snatched them, gave a second look and then grabbed the ipod as well. He made his way to his car, Wilson started on the way to his own.

"Hey Jimmy," House called, and Wilson turned.

"You might want these," House tossed over Wilson's car keys and he failed to catch them.

"Nice throw," Wilson called back dryly.

"I always knew you threw like a girl."

-----

House tapped his fingers on the wheel of his baby as "Paint it Black" by the Stones blasted out his speakers. He felt so cool in that car. Cooler than the rest of the suckers stuck in Volvos on the road, that's for sure. He took a glance in his rearview mirror to switch lanes and caught his eyes in the mirror. Wilson's eyes. It was so damn strange. He suddenly didn't feel that cool anymore. Now he looked like a teddy bear and that was very bad.

Minutes later he rolled up the driveway and cut the engine. He sat there for a a bit thinking of what exactly he was going to do in there. The lights were on, and he had no idea what to expect. Wilson had mentioned pissing her off. He was sure it wasn't Wilson who had exactly done anything; Julie was the one always getting pissed off for the worst things. She also hated House. So this was going to be perfect.

He got out of the car, grabbed his things and let himself in the front door.

As much as he hated basically any kind of human interaction, he knew that if she started screaming at him for something stupid, he was going to have to be Wilson's voice and put her in her place. He was House after all, that was his mission in life. To tell everyone the cold truth of reality.

The room felt warm and he heard clanging around in the kitchen like somebody was doing the dishes. House put his bag down by the door knowing if the woman in the kitchen grabbed one of those butcher knives, he would need to make a quick escape. The clanging and running water noise from the kitchen stopped and seconds later, she appeared in view, dishrag in her hand, other hand perched at her hip.

"Do you know what time it is?" she demanded and pursed her lips together. He already knew that any answer he would give would be wrong so he shrugged apathetically and went to look at his watch. "Don't play dumb with me James. I said I wanted you home by six."

"Yeah so I'm a little late. I was in a car accident on the way home and I was rushed the hospital with a broken leg, I'm sorry," House answered back with a little acid not even trying to 'play Wilson' anymore. This woman pissed him off so.

"Oh stop being an idiot," she motioned to his perfectly fine legs with the dishrag hands and scowled. "Your dinner is in the trashcan if you're wondering." She turned and stalked back up to the sink.

House rolled his eyes and followed her into the kitchen, watching her from behind and she crashed dishes into the sink.

"So dig it out, I'm starving." House slumped into one of the kitchen chairs ignoring her flaming red comment.

She stiffened and whipped around, dishrag back in hand, and now wringing it angrily.

"You remember what we talked about this morning, don't you?"

"I know that you talked, but I was thinking about rainbows. Refresh my memory on our lovely chat, will you?"

Julie let out almost a raging sigh and took a few steps closer to him.

"Care to tell me why the hell House's car is parked in my driveway? Did you bring him here? Is he hiding in the living room?" she demanded and stretched around House in search of 'House'.

"Would that be such a big deal?" House asked, and when she didn't answer right away because she was still searching, he added, "So where's that dinner I rushed home for? Bring the trash over here, and hand me a fork."

Julie glared at him and the hand was back on the hip.

"You know damn well what we talked about this morning. So did you do it?"

House rolled his eyes again, now he was being interrogated. I'm sure the scene just looked fabulous, him sitting in a chair, and her bending over him like his mommy.

He decided to play along, however. Couldn't get anywhere if he didn't know what the hell she was yapping about.

"Do what," he stretched out his legs.

"Ditch that loser! God James, what is wrong with you?"

So _that's_ what she was mad at him for? For them being friends? He almost wanted to burst out in insane laughter. Childhood all over again. _Don't hang out with that nasty boy down the street; He starts fires in people's rose bushes and steals cigarettes from his mom. If I see you with him Gregory, I'll give you a wackin' so hard... _

House stood up swiftly and walked right by her to the trashcan to see if there in fact a dinner sitting in the white bag.

"I could ask you the same question - that is perfectly good fried chicken!" he announced to try to steer the conversation away.

Julie wasn't done however, and she stalked up to him and grabbed his shoulder in an attempt to make him face her. House waved his arm away at the touch and gave her a nasty glare.

"Listen you two-timing poorly dressed drag-queen, I don't know what your problem is, but I'm tired of you talking down to me like my name is Timmy and I have reduced brain capacities. If you have a problem with him then you're going to have to run upstairs to the bedroom and cry because we're friends and that's just the way it is. Deal with it," House spat angrily in her face. He no longer cared if Wilson would never have said that, somebody had to.

She was going to blow, he could see it. It was silent for a few seconds. She crossed her arms.

"Goodbye James," she said.

_Crap._

He stood there for a minute staring into her eyes and then walked right past her to the front door.

_Shit shit shit._ He had no idea the "fight" in the morning had been about this. Shit he was going to have to tell Wilson. Shit _shit. _

He grabbed his bag that was left so handy by the door and left.

-----


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** If I owned House, Wilson + everyone else, I would be hanging out with them and not sitting here in front of the tv watching "The Day After Tomorrow" at 10:55am even though I haven't slept yet and probably won't until 7am tomorrow morning.

**A/N:** As always, my love to the reviewers! Hope you likey this chapter :)

**Bad Burritos - Chapter 5**

One knock. Two knocks.

"Who is it," came a gruff call from behind the door. House almost smiled at how "he" sounded.

"Shut up and open the door," House leaned his right hand on the doorframe.

"What's the secret password," Wilson asked from directly behind the door. House could hear his hand on the doorknob, waiting.

"The pink unicorn wets his pants at midnight, now let me in," he replied back impatiently and waited to hear Wilson's trademark smirk from behind the door.

The door swung open and Wilson stood there in House's body wearing a t-shirt and jeans, cane under his left hand, doorknob in the right.

"Julie kick you out again?" he asked rhetorically and moved aside.

House wandered in and collapsed in his favorite chair in front of the TV. The television was on and he noticed it was on the History channel. Black and white images of tanker ships and guys running around in uniforms were plastered on the screen.

"You know my 'Girls Gone Wild' dvd is in the top drawer," House motioned towards the tv.

"Yeah, I popped it in but I got an error saying it was worn out," Wilson said and sat down on the couch. House sideways looked at him and raised his one eyebrow.

"You really are me," he turned back to the tv and then added, "Good job."

"Yeah, you're such a role model. So how was it?" Wilson played around with his new cane.

"Leave caney alone, he's scared. How was what?" House sank further into the chair and pretended to watch the show.

"Your trip to Disneyland courtesy of the Make a Wish Foundation, what do you think," Wilson said sarcastically and stopped with the cane.

"Oh, well we just had wild sex for hours," House replied simply, then turned his neck and scrunched up his face as he looked at Wilson, "But then she pulled out some bondage gear. My Jimmy, I didn't know you were so freaky. It's not nice to keep secrets." House turned back to the boring program on screen.

Wilson sat and thought for a minute.

"You know I saw the other thing that was in your top drawer," he smirked.

House turned to him and stared. Fine, he got the point.

"So.. Were you very fond of this Julie person?" he asked hoping the answer would be a negative one.

"Well she's my wife, I have to be." Wilson stood up and wandered into the kitchen. "Beer?" he called out.

"I don't have any beer," House called back knowing when he had left that morning his fridge had been housing one lone blue tupperware of something or other.

"You do now," Wilson said as he came back in, holding two beers in his large right hand, caning with his left.

House took a beer and held it for a little bit before snapping it open.

"You actually went shopping?" he raised his eyebrow, and Wilson took a seat back on the couch.

"I thought my new 98 pound body could use some calories, now back to Julie," Wilson took a small swig of his beer and rested the bottle on his left thigh.

Okay now was the time to open the beer. House opened his and took a long drink before answering.

"So that fight you guys had this morning, you actually listened to that right?"

"Parts." Wilson would leave it at that. He knew full well what the argument had been about, and he now suspected House did too.

"So ring the buzzer and pull an answer out of your ass, what do you think happened," House asked not intending to have it come out so mean and sarcastic.

"Well you obviously got angry at her and bolted. Which is undestandable, I mean, if the whole thing was about you in the first place-"

House stood up, shut off the tv and stood in front of Wilson, looking down at him.

"_I_ was talking to her, guess again." He hated to sound so boorish, but he was actually just stalling because he didn't want to say the words himself.

Wilson thought for a minute and then took another drink.

"Well in that case, I would have to assume that I'll be receiving divorce papers shortly, am I right?"

House didn't know whether the man who's marriage he had just pulled the plug on (finally) wanted some sort of apology or not. He stood there stupidly looking at him.

"Well thanks for ripping off the bandaid for me, 'ol pal." Wilson stood up, walked around House and sat down in front of the tv again, turning it back on.

House still didn't know what to say. He couldn't gauge Wilson's mood because that would mean he would have to read his own face, and he simply couldn't do that. He knew his face was good at lying.

"So..you're..." House slowly turned around.

Wilson laughed loudly at the television as he channel surfed. "Oh man, Press Your Luck is on. I haven't seen this show in _years_!"

House shrugged and sat on the couch while a woman screamed, "No whammys, no whammys!"

-----

The next morning when Wilson awoke, House had already left.. somewhere. He fixed himself some eggs and toast and even watched a bit of tv before making it into work. Had to be fashionably late, of course.

He was in the clinic ready to start some clinic hours when House finally walked in. Wilson gaped in horror.

House had apparently went shopping himself. He was dressed in some dark jeans, a bright orange t-shirt that said "Dude" across the chest, complete with ipod in hand, headphones in ears, and a backpack slung over his shoulder. Wilson almost dropped the pen he was holding as he watched House walk up to him in the ridiculous outfit, bobbing his head to some music.

"Gee I didn't know we had a new intern starting today," Wilson rolled his eyes, and House popped the headphones out of his ears.

"What?"

Wilson waved his hand. "What.. what did you do to me? I look like I just flunked out of college and got fired from my job at the Chicken Bucket."

House looked down at his clothes. "Afraid to be one of the cool kids, Jimmy? It's about time you joined the club." He gestured to Wilson's chosen attire for that morning. "Sure a hell of a lot cooler than those dress pants and dear god - " House put a hand over his chest partially covering up the word DUDE. "Sacreligious! Beelzebub! What is that, a lab coat?"

Wilson rolled his eyes and stuck the pen he was holding in his left coat breast pocket.

"We are doctors you know."

"Don't let anyone _here_ know that," House leaned in and said quietly. The clinic was buzzing was sick people.

Cuddy suddenly walked by out of nowhere and barked out, "House," in a warning tone. Both men turned to look at her and she stopped in mid stride and turned back.

"Glad to see you finally wearing the coat," she smiled and continued on her way. House made a face at Cuddy's back and before Wilson walked off, he stuck out his tongue at House as if to say "na na".

House put his headphones back in and made his way to the elevators up to his new and boring office.

-----

The hallway was long and finally House didn't care. His right leg was completely bitchin' and he liked putting more weight on it than he had to. He almost wanted to sprint down the hallway just to feel his blood pump like that again. But of course that would probably look weird. House liked weird, but Wilson was a little anal about having a certain image of him portrayed.

Oh great, a duckling was coming at him. Chase to be exact. House was glad he was wearing headphones. They passed eachother, Chase took a double take at the oncologist's new clothing attire and made an odd face.

-----

Chase entered the conference room and took an empty chair around the table with Cameron and Foreman who were busy having a conversation about an article in the newspaper Foreman was looking at.

"Anyone see Dr. Wilson today?" he asked the two and popped open the rootbeer he was holding. Both looked at him with curious eyes.

"No, why?" Cameron asked.

"He's looking an awful lot like House.."

-----


End file.
